Fic: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I originally wrote this when I saw someone was still waiting for a Ferris Bueller college era story over at yuletide treasure. Ferris/Cameron, PG for swearing.


Author's Note: Much as I might wish it, I will never visit Shermer, IL, much less own it. None of this is mine.

The Bold Survive

"So did he change? Is he happy now?"

This is the question that people always ask at the end of the story Ferris Bueller tells as the epic saga of his grand day off. It's a story he tells often in college; probably too often, because the story of the best day of your life is just another stupid high school story to college people. Not entirely dissimilar to, say, the way the king of his suburb might be suddenly just another freshman. What really burns Ferris isn't the way he can see minds wandering, or skeptical looks exchanged: it's the constant re-emergence of the Cameron Question. The whole choice tale, and all anyone wants to know is, did Cameron really change after his auto-cidal epiphany?

The answer is, yes, but not as much as you might think. He and his dad have a knock-down drag-out, which results in some minor change. He stays out later, he doesn't act sick as much, he talks to more people. Probably most importantly, he decides to go to University of Chicago, undeclared instead of Princeton, pre-law. But he's still the same Cameron: awkward, introspective, and a terminal virgin.

Ferris is hopeful, but not confidant, that college will help Cameron as he never could. He doesn't see him much Thanksgiving because he's too busy breaking up with Sloane (she says she can't trust him, and she is more right than Ferris can admit). So it's Christmas break when he and Cameron sit down for a coupla beers and a nice long talk.

They've hung out some already, at the parties, and Ferris can tell something is different. However, as they've been discussing, everyone has changed.

"I just can't believe Donna -excuse me, `Sea Flower'--is serious with all that Save the Earth hooey. I remember when she used to fry ants with a magnifying glass."

"Well, at least she's moving somewhere positive: what about Parker? I'd have figured it would take at least a year to go all the way from valedictorian to total slut."

"Hey, don't knock it. It's that kind of downward spiral that makes it possible for guys like you to score." Ferris waggled his eyebrows; Cameron just rolled his eyes.

"Oh, speaking of scoring..." continued Ferris, opening his third beer. "Can you believe Chris Benson, who, everyone has known was a queer since the third grade, has the nerve to bring home that hot a girlfriend?" He took a big gulp. "Chrithh. With the lisp, and the musicals, and the terrible at sports! How can he have a girlfriend, and I don't?"

"Hey, Ferris? Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, buddy."

Cameron squinted off into the distance. "Are we still gonna be friends in ten years? Like good friends, not just the exchanging Christmas cards kind? If in ten years I think I'm gonna rob a bank, or marry a gold digger, or a space alien or something...Are you going to be there trying to talk me out of it, or, like, hearing about it on the evening news?"

In the movie in his mind, Ferris turned to the camera. "What am I supposed to say to that? The truth is, I hope so, but I don't know. But with a lead-up like that, I'd say whatever it takes to figure out where this wacko is going."

Mental aside over, he turned back to his friend. "Well, Cam, I can't say that I know. I used to think that everything high school was over the moment you shook the principal's hand."

Cameron laughed "Remember how Rooney couldn't let go of your diploma?"

"He had to call in medical professionals to get his hand open. And I hear it still cramps up whenever he hears my name." Pause, sip. "Anyway, my guesses about the future haven't been so accurate. But you haven't been able to shake me yet, so I'm thinking we'll be friends for a while. Why?"

Cameron gulped. "Ok, but don't freak out. It's big." He paused, until Ferris wanted to shake him. Cameron made his nervous water dripping sound a couple times, then finally started talking. "Well, I guess you could say that Chris and I have switched places."

"Huh?"

"Like, Chris went away a fag and came back with some chick...except, you know. Opposite."

Ferris raised his eyebrows, comprehension dawning. "You like guys now? Bullshit."

"Well, it's more that I liked guys always, and I'm saying it now." Cameron finally sneaks a sideways glance at Ferris, to see how he's taking it. Not well.

"No way. You are my best friend, this is a thing best friends know. Sorry, wrong."

"It's really some big shock? You never noticed that I never so much as made out with a girl in high school?"

"You're an awkward geek!"

"C'mon Ferris. You probably set me up dozens of times. Nobody's that awkward."

Ferris tried to take that in. "Did you have like, a confusing experience? Is some dude messing with your head?"

Cameron laughed. "Um, no. It's more like I had several epiphany experiences. With dudes very uninterested in my head. " Ferris shook his hands in a decidedly unflattering `get these bugs off me' gesture "Ewww! Now I have to picture that! Thanks."

Cameron shrugged. "Sorry."

"See, Ok. I will not deny that your hypothesis has some logical elements. There have, I admit, been some signs in this direction. But seriously, how could you, like, do things with guys? That's like primally icky."

Cameron rolled his eyes. "Right. Because you, Ferris Bueller, would never do anything like that. You would never kiss another guy."

"If you're talking about Clay Elliot, that was a dare."

"I wasn't: Ben Matthews"

"School play!"

"Tom Stewart"

"I was drunk!"

"Rick Whipple"

"Spin-the-Bottle!"

"That's not the way everyone else was playing it."

"Well, it was a joke. What are you trying to say?"

Cameron spread out his hands. "Nothing. Just, you know, I wouldn't point fingers about primal ickiness. So, anyway, we were talking about my issues..."

"Wait a minute. Are you trying to imply something? Because I'm not gay."

"I wasn't saying you were. Like I was saying, I think I've always felt different..."

"Because I've kissed way more girls than guys."

Cameron gave up, and sarcastically offered "Yeah, well, so have most bisexuals."

Ferris stood up, angry. "Hey! Listen, man, I don't think my kissing a guy or two gives you the right to start throwing around shit like that."

Cameron joined him, just as mad. "I wasn't trying to! You're the one who keeps bringing it up. I was trying to talk about my own stuff, because not everything I about you, Ferris Bu--wait a minute, `A guy or two?' John Lewis!"

"Elaborate prank!"

"Jerry Yerkes"

"Also a dare!"

"You dared him! Bob Holley!"

"Mistletoe"

"Me!"

Ferris took a step back. "We were, like 12! And we were practicing. For girls."

Cameron stared at the ground. "We were 13. And I can't speak for you, but I wasn't thinking about any girls." He risked a glance up, and forced himself to hold it. Ferris looked stunned.

"You aren't...no."

This was the point to stop, Cameron knew. On the other hand, Ferris is the one who always lectures about the importance of boldly going... "C'mon, Ferris. You know everyone loves you. Of course your best friend does, too."

Ferris shook his head, (miraculously) speechless. Cameron struggled to maintain consciousness as the enormity of what he had just said hit him "Listen, I'd better leave before go before I go catatonic again. You think you can ever forget this conversation, give me a call. Otherwise, have a nice life, sorry."

He turned to leave, but found himself not moving. It took him a minute to diagnose the cause of his lack of motion: Ferris had grabbed his wrist. Cameron tried to shake him off, but he didn't let go. Cameron looked up, and was surprised by a more or less complete lack of rage.

"You mean that?"

Cameron nodded, unsure. And then, suddenly, for the first time in 5 years, he was kissing Ferris Bueller. It was both weird and completely right.

Later, in the midst of other activities, Ferris murmured into Cameron's ear. "Um, just so you know, I'm totally thinking about girls right now."

Cameron laughed into Ferris's neck. "Really? Because your hand placement suggests otherwise. Or else you didn't earn that C- in anatomy."

Ferris nibbled thoughtfully on Cameron's earlobe. "True. It's actually a remarkably elaborate prank."

"One that might take the rest of Christmas break to unfold, I hope."

Ferris pulled back, and looked right into Cameron's eyes. "Oh, no. I think we're talking years here." Cameron kissed him, and Ferris made a valiant effort to finish his thought, despite frequent interruption. "Frankly...I doubt it will...be understood in... its own lifetime..."